4 Tips for L&D’s Working With That “Difficult” Stakeholder
What to do when working with stakeholders activates your frustration brain.
Ah, the "difficult" stakeholder (or SME)... You know the one. They frustrate you at every turn, don't return your messages, are demeaning and/or intimidating, give you no attention, just don't seem to value your work and/or they [insert your own reason here].
Yet, L&D needs to work with stakeholders and SMEs. In order to create effective learning solutions, we need their feedback, their expertise, information only they have access to, and their partnership to make it all happen.
So, what are we to do when our work with them includes more blockers than anything?
First, stop it. Stop calling stakeholders, "difficult" and start figuring out why they are showing up that way in your world. Start by reframing your brain from frustration to curiosity and see what you can uncover.
Here are a few tips that worked for me over the years when running into these scenarios.
#1: Understand their work
Most people aren't trying to be difficult. They don't go home at night and cackle over a caldron while spinning spells to sabotage your success. They are simply more absorbed in their own work and challenges than yours. Sorry to break it to you, but nine times out of ten, what's making them difficult has nothing to do with you. Think of this as motivation to stop worrying about yourself and start trying to figure out more about them.
What is taking up the time of this stakeholder/SME? What is it like to sit in their seat? What pressures are they under? What type and amount of work is sitting in their plate and in their inbox? What goals and expectations are they trying to meet (from others)? What questions are they answering over and over again in a day?
It's likely your work isn't their first priority. Not because they don't think it's important, but because they are focused on other pressures, challenges, and tasks on an overflowing plate. See if you can figure out what some of these items are and show a little empathy.
#2 Find their genius
There's a reason this person has the job they have. What is it? Sometimes the positive can be difficult to see when we are living in frustration brain, but if you can figure out this person's genius in their role - what they do really well - you will have a few more clues on how to approach them. Plus, your respect for their work will likely increase which will lead to a more positive working relationship.
Let me share a personal example about working with Simone. She was a challenging stakeholder. For years our conversations didn’t quite line up, and we were never on the same page. I was struggling to figure out why she was in her leadership role. Then, we were thrown into a major company reorganization together. As leaders tried to make sense of the changes for their teams, I watched Simone fight for her own team and their customers with a passion that couldn’t be denied. She was fiercely loyal and did her best to protect people. Cue my own "aha!" moment.
Simone's genius was focusing her team on caring for the customer. After uncovering where her talents shone brightest, I worked alongside her with this genius in mind and developed a newfound respect for the way she did her work.
#3 Stress your common goal
You may not agree with everything this stakeholder/SME does or how they do their work, but you should agree on a common goal and/or outcome.
When you're swimming in frustration or can't seem to agree on the details take a moment to zoom out. What is the reason you are working on this project in the first place? What are you trying to accomplish? How does this tie back to the common goal or vision of success that you both want to achieve?
Sometimes this taps back to genius as well. For example, Simone's genius showed that she cared about her team and the customer. The bigger picture for her was always ensuring this was done. There were times when I needed to surface this as a reminder, "If we are working towards ensuring the best customer experience, then I'll need _____ to keep moving forward."
Calling out the common goal of the project can reset the vision and pull everyone back from the fog. Sometimes a simple reminder of the "why" is all that's needed.
#4 Establish and reinforce clear expectations
Clear expectations of any project or working relationship should ideally be established up front and then reinforced, reiterated, or revised as needed along the way. But, if you are already in the middle of the project, or working with this stakeholder, it's not too late!
A few weeks ago I wrote about my realization for the need to "train the business to do business with L&D." I had been complaining about how stakeholders didn't understand what it meant to create and deliver L&D programs and then I realized that I never told them! I was just expecting them to read my mind.
Without clearly communicated expectations both parties can become guilty of mind reading - you and the stakeholder. Assumptions run rampant but are never verified. Frustrations ensue. Work with the stakeholder to share what they can expect when working with you, what you will need from them, and why. Also, share the consequences of not meeting those expectations. "If I don't get the information by xx, we will fall behind on our project timeline." Be sure to gain agreement on expectations that will set everyone up for success (L&D and the stakeholders).
Stakeholders and SMEs are people too - each with their own stories and motivations - even for those we consider "difficult." See if you can set your own frustrations aside in favor of curiosity and empathy, stress the common goal first, and clarify expectations to enhance your working relationship.
